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[#] Fri Jun 13 2014 16:35:00 EDT from fleeb

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(I don't really think jokes are my forte).

[#] Fri Jun 13 2014 16:43:29 EDT from zooer

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What about the mint?

[#] Fri Jun 13 2014 16:52:44 EDT from fleeb

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I couldn't work that into the joke.

[#] Mon Jul 07 2014 12:42:55 EDT from vince-q

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Fifteen Logical Reasons why a Man should have a Dog and not a Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

4. Dogs' parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.

11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

12. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.

13. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.

14. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.

And last, but not least:

15. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.

To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!

[#] Thu Aug 07 2014 10:31:52 EDT from vince-q

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A city kid from the ghetto and a redneck go into a pastry shop.

city kid whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The

baker doesn't notice.

city kid then says to the redneck: "You see how clever we are? You

rednecks can never beat that!"

redneck says to the city kid: "Watch this, a Redneck is always smarter"

says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!"

baker gives him the cookie which redneck promptly eats.

n he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one

n he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."

baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

Redneck eats this one too.

baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic

redneck says: "Look in his pocket!"

[#] Thu Aug 07 2014 10:48:52 EDT from fleeb

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ah, that's nice!

[#] Sun Aug 24 2014 09:10:30 EDT from vince-q

Subject: A Hallmark Moment

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 A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her
head "no."

 A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

 "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your
dick' cards?"

[#] Sun Aug 24 2014 09:14:33 EDT from vince-q

Subject: Talking

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 So one guy says to another guy, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..."

 Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give t a rest! Why do all the names in your jokes have to be Jewish?"

 So he starts again, "Okay, so Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."

[#] Sun Aug 24 2014 09:19:11 EDT from vince-q

Subject: Same Sex Marriage

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 A recent poll found that 58% of Americans now think it should be legal for gays and lesbians to get married.

 And the other 42% object only because they don't want to go to another goddamn wedding.

[#] Mon Aug 25 2014 12:35:03 EDT from fleeb

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A valid concern.

[#] Mon Aug 25 2014 18:59:12 EDT from vince-q

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My grandmother died in the 80's, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce:

The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5 cents she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning off the driveway. Her soothing hands when I would get hurt.

But the thing I remember most was her sage advice:

Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying a cookie and a Coke. She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"Always remember this," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?"

She smiled and said gently, "Makes your dick look bigger."

Grandma was special...

[#] Fri Sep 05 2014 09:36:25 EDT from vince-q

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A young Jewish man calls his mother and says,"Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American, and her name is Shooting Star."

"How nice," says his mother.

"I have an Indian name, too," he says. "It's Running Water, and you have to call me that from now on."

"How nice," says his mother.

"You have to have an Indian name, too, Mom."

"I already do," says the mother. "Just call me Sitting Shiva."

[#] Fri Sep 05 2014 10:10:28 EDT from vince-q

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One little reindeer, one little reindeer,
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a cat and ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim. One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a dog and bit the cat,
That ate the reindeer,
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a stick and beat the dog,
That bit the cat
that ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a fire and burned the stick, ...

Then came the water and quenched the fire, ...

Then came an ox and drank the water, ...

Then came a shochet and slaughtered the ox, ...

Then came the angel of death and killed the shochet, ...

Then came the Blessed Holy One
and slew the angel of death,
That killed the shochet
that slaughtered the ox
That drank the water
that quenched the fire
That burned the stick
that beat the dog
That bit the cat
that ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

[#] Fri Sep 05 2014 10:13:26 EDT from vince-q

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The previous msg is from "Have you ever wondered what XMAS would be like if it were a Jewish holiday?"

Go have a look. To call it hysterical would be an understatement of herculean proportion. Oh - it helps to be Jewish, or have grown up back in the 1950s in a mostly-Jewish neighborhood in Philly...

[#] Fri Sep 05 2014 14:54:00 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar

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"You have to have an Indian name, too, Mom."

Mine is running-config

[#] Mon Sep 08 2014 00:02:44 EDT from ax25

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What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?

A roamin' catholic.

[#] Mon Sep 08 2014 00:10:17 EDT from DemonStalker <>

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What is black and white and black and white and black and white...

A nun rolling down a flight of stairs.

[#] Mon Sep 08 2014 00:39:19 EDT from ax25

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Or a penguin.  I suddenly feel the need to watch "The Blues Brothers" movie.

[#] Mon Sep 08 2014 10:21:24 EDT from fleeb

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What's black & white and has trouble going through revolving doors?

A nun with a spear through her head.

[#] Wed Sep 10 2014 22:15:13 EDT from ax25

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Suppose I could go full tilt grade school and I could recite dead baby jokes... but, Na, I will resist.

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