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[#] Sat Sep 04 2021 06:59:26 EDT from Nurb432

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heh



[#] Sat Sep 04 2021 14:55:41 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar

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These offended millennials should post their identities and locations so we can siphon all of the fuel out of their cars.

[#] Sat Sep 04 2021 15:36:56 EDT from Nurb432

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Wouldn't they be driving electrics tho? Evil fossil fuel, ya know.

Sat Sep 04 2021 02:55:41 PM EDT from IGnatius T Foobar

These offended millennials should post their identities and locations so we can siphon all of the fuel out of their cars.

 



[#] Sun Sep 05 2021 16:28:17 EDT from LoanShark

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2021-09-04 14:55 from IGnatius T Foobar

These offended millennials should post their identities and locations

so we can siphon all of the fuel out of their cars.



a/i/l? LOL

[#] Mon Sep 06 2021 03:48:23 EDT from darknetuser

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2021-09-03 06:54 from Nurb432
Control is the key.  Not avoidance. 


Maybe.

I don't think I am getting laid ever unless I rent a hooker, and I like my money too much to spend it that way.

Keeping on-topic: Your wife will someday be your ex. You decide how much she does now about you and how much ammo she has against you.

[#] Mon Sep 06 2021 12:26:53 EDT from ParanoidDelusions

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Dude...

There is so much...

Danny Devito gets laid.

After a lengthy enough relationship, generally a separation is fairly amicable - in part because of a certain sense of Mutually Assured Destruction - because whatever ammo she has against you, you have a similar cache against her - but also because you don't last that long without some sort of mutual respect, understanding, empathy and other qualities for the other person.

Which is probably why Devito and Pearlman haven't ever *divorced*, even though they separated.

I mean, a philosophy like this is kind of a recipe for being an incel. It is self defeating, "no one would ever want me unless I paid for it," bitter "women are the enemy..."

You're probably going to get lots of confirmation that you're "right" with this approach - and it doesn't sound like it is making you a happier person... being right. Maybe you would be better off being wrong?

 

 

Mon Sep 06 2021 03:48:23 EDT from darknetuser
2021-09-03 06:54 from Nurb432
Control is the key.  Not avoidance. 


Maybe.

I don't think I am getting laid ever unless I rent a hooker, and I like my money too much to spend it that way.

Keeping on-topic: Your wife will someday be your ex. You decide how much she does now about you and how much ammo she has against you.

 



[#] Mon Sep 06 2021 13:12:04 EDT from Nurb432

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Sometimes not really 'MAD' just that its a whole lot of trouble, and expensive for everyone..  After you reach a certain point, its just not worth it and you 'accommodate' instead.



[#] Tue Sep 07 2021 04:05:49 EDT from darknetuser

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2021-09-06 13:12 from Nurb432
Sometimes not really 'MAD' just that its a whole lot of trouble, and

expensive for everyone..  After you reach a certain point, its just

not worth it and you 'accommodate' instead.


What I love is the fact that you are all confirming what I said and that the best you can aim for after separation is a Mexican Standoff, in which the first one who moves gets obliterated while dragging the other one down with him.

This, combined with the fact I know no stable, happy marriages, kind of makes one wonder why we are all programmed to pursue them.

I mean, I'd love to get somebody to share my life with etc etc etc but as things stand, the opportunity costs are too high. I'd rather spendthe time and money required for a relationship into pushing further my career (and, for the curious, the reason why I think I am not getting laid is because 99% of my social life is professional, with a 100% rate of males in it and literally 0% of women in it. ANd the remaining 1% is composed of fat, snack eating male nerds).

[#] Tue Sep 07 2021 16:45:02 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar

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This, combined with the fact I know no stable, happy marriages, kind


*raises hand*

27 years, two kids, happy home, things are pretty darn good

[#] Tue Sep 07 2021 17:18:49 EDT from Nurb432

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I agree, it can happen.  If you dont pick the wrong person. 

Tue Sep 07 2021 04:45:02 PM EDT from IGnatius T Foobar
This, combined with the fact I know no stable, happy marriages, kind


*raises hand*

27 years, two kids, happy home, things are pretty darn good

 



[#] Tue Sep 07 2021 19:41:09 EDT from darknetuser

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2021-09-07 16:45 from IGnatius T Foobar
This, combined with the fact I know no stable, happy marriages, kind



*raises hand*

27 years, two kids, happy home, things are pretty darn good



You don't count because you could be an FSB agent called Ivan as far as I know.

Lots of marriages are happy on the surface but if you dig deeper you find one of the members is having an affair or something. Or they are just together because of convenience.

I don't doubt happy marriages exist somewhere but I don't really see them myself.

It is pure statistics. If the overwhelming majority of marriages I find are unhappy I am not going to be the naive idiot who thinks he is going to get a happy one because I am different and smarter than everybody else.

[#] Tue Sep 07 2021 20:25:53 EDT from Nurb432

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I have seen them.

I have also seen disasters, but i have seen the good ones too, with no hidden stuff under the surface. I have also seen a lot of 'average' ones, nothing drastic in either direction. they just 'work'. for them.

Tue Sep 07 2021 07:41:09 PM EDT from darknetuser
I don't doubt happy marriages exist somewhere but I don't really see them myself.


 



[#] Thu Sep 09 2021 14:45:45 EDT from ParanoidDelusions

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28 years. 1 child. Happy marriage. Weekends, we often decide to hang out together rather than go out with other people - because other people annoy us and we're best friends. I still find her hot. We've had a financially successful life. 

It isn't always perfect. Sometimes she pisses me off. There is a lot of compromise. But... I think life would be quantifiably *worse* without her in it - for the few, mostly selfish benefits it would bring. 

 



 



[#] Sun Sep 12 2021 17:16:06 EDT from LoanShark

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After living with the same woman for about 14 years, I'm still not even qualified to talk about relationships.

this one works. And also really doesn't work.

[#] Sun Sep 19 2021 09:34:12 EDT from ParanoidDelusions

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Here is the thing... I don't think it is any better with a man.... or with a platonic relationship/partnership... or any time two people have to compromise. 

Weirdly, I was watching the GoGo's documentary on Showtime last night - and the Duran Duran one... 

And in both cases... Powerstation and Arcadia formed when Duran Duran split and each group went their own way - and it didn't work. 

And the GoGo's... Belinda Carlise and the songwriter got it in their heads, it seemed - that *they* were the band. "I write the songs, she sings them, the rest of you just play the instruments, and *anyone* can do that..." 

And that wasn't true. 

I said to my wife, "This is what wrecks relationships with great chemistry. People outside telling certain people that they're carrying the entire load - sometimes indirectly just by who gets paid more... and that sowing discontent - because people don't recognize that everyone is contributing an essential part to the end result and if you remove one link, the chain fails." 

It happens in workplaces... wherever there are relationships that require people to cooperate. Some one feels put upon, someone feels unnecessary - unappreciated. People decide they can do it alone. Frequently, the magic goes when the partnership implodes. 

So yeah, over 28 years, the relationship with my wife has evolved - and there have been times... man there have been times... but I don't see it being viable any other way - and that isn't like... I dunno... people tend to read something like that negative, as if we're yoked to one another... trapped... however you want to read it. But that isn't what it is. It is a relationship that works so well I don't see why you would want to fuck with it or gamble on things improving without the relationship or with some *other* relationship. It goes back to that theme of always thinking there is something *better* that you're missing out on - rather than appreciating how fortunate you are to be exactly where you are. 

 

Sun Sep 12 2021 17:16:06 EDT from LoanShark

After living with the same woman for about 14 years, I'm still not even qualified to talk about relationships.

this one works. And also really doesn't work.

 



[#] Mon Sep 20 2021 16:18:42 EDT from LoanShark

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So yeah, over 28 years, the relationship with my wife has evolved -
and there have been times... man there have been times... but I don't

see it being viable any other way - and that isn't like... I dunno...

people tend to read something like that negative, as if we're yoked

No, you're right. And that can be a little hard to explain, yes, but it's either because we say it in a way that is reductive (oversimplified) or the listener is making a reductive interpretation.

I'm in some discussion groups elsewhere and something like this came up. And part of the problem is that 1-paragraph internet posts don't convey even REMOTELY enough context to really see what's going on. But Person B came in and commented on a post by Person A (and to be clear, LoanShark was Person C, the bystander in this scenario) and Person B was saying "oh, but staying with a person just because you don't see any other options, or are afraid, is one of the worst reasons to stay."

Well... yes and no. It's never "just because." There is always some positive reason to stick around. Except when there isn't. And you'll know it when you see it. And the way it may sound to an outsider (who often only hears about the conflicts) is not the way it feels to those on the inside.

People outside telling certain people that they're carrying the entire
load [...]

Some one feels put upon, someone feels unnecessary - unappreciated.

This is inherent to relationships. Part of it is language mismatch - the language I am speaking when I show my appreciation might be very different than the language that makes the other person feel appreciated. Because different people have different styles and preferences. So it's a little like learning to speak a foreign language. Patience helps.

Timing is everything though. If you choose to say "I'd like you to make me feel a little more appreciated, today", and you choose to say so at a time when the other party is already feeling like they're working too hard - then that can just feel awful. It can be a real relationship-killer. Nobody likes ingratitude.

It's like Wile E. Coyote when he runs of the end of a cliff and doesn't fall until he loses his happy thoughts. What I mean is, a statement that would be seen as a reasonable request one month, could be seen as pushing boundaries the next month--depending on context or varying levels of self-confidence or the phase of the moon or whatever other reason.


Boundaries feel awful when they are pushed, and nobody likes to be on the receiving end of F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt)

[#] Mon Sep 20 2021 16:35:24 EDT from LoanShark

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Well... yes and no. It's never "just because." There is always some

positive reason to stick around. Except when there isn't. And you'll


More on this. "I don't want to leave because there's nobody else out there for me" is definitely looking at it through a negative lens. But you're looking at the negative aspect of something that could be seen positively from another perspective; "I don't want to leave because this relationship just fits like a glove in so many ways."


no decades-long LTR is conflict free, and some may have profound issues with lack of chemistry. what matters is the overall emotional color of the relationship: are you getting along enough of the time, or aren't you. is it abusive, or isn't it. is it functional or is it codependent. those are the main concerns. sparking chemistry might be very much a secondary concern.


/soapbox

[#] Mon Sep 20 2021 18:40:17 EDT from Nurb432

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in the right situation, codependency can work. 



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