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[#] Wed May 09 2012 20:11:38 EDT from Sig @ Uncensored

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Not properly jokes, but these were some amusing headlines that I came across while searching for bad headlines for a
class I'm writing.

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

Missippi's Literacy Program Shows Improvement

Man Executed After Long Speech

Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
[Los Angeles Councilwoman Laura Chick, to be specific]

Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives New Attorney

One-Armed Man Applauds Kindness of Strangers

Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
[My favorite.]

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[A novel approach.]

----

(There were quite a few more that were quite inappropriate for work, so I didn't save them...)

[#] Wed May 09 2012 20:19:45 EDT from zooer @ Uncensored

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Having worked in the media I can tell you that anchors think they are unbelievable clever when they write silly or stupid
headlines/teases.

[#] Thu May 10 2012 01:36:46 EDT from Sig @ Uncensored

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I get to specifically call those out as not useful for our purposes, so that works fine. I was hoping to find more that were not "soft" titles, but just bad ones--that is, not descriptive or helpful for determining the content.
I had enough to work with, though.

[#] Thu May 10 2012 15:38:22 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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Oh, hrm... pity I didn't see that earlier. Best of the worst headlines I've ever seen involved the Royals baseball team in 1985.

Seems their star player (Peters) had too many infractions, and was disqualified from playing. Ergo, the headline read:

Royals To Play With Peters Out

[#] Sun May 20 2012 08:52:06 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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So a group of us were playing poker, and I drew a ATI Radeon HD 5770. This worked well with my hand, as my other cards were ATI, so that would lead to a flush of the video buffers. I betted another AMD chip, but John raised me an Intel.

In the end, my flush beat his two pair (two nVidia GTX 690s and two ATI Radeon HD 5450s) so I won all the chips. That was when I noticed someone slipped in a Z-80, which was really low. I guess that got through the pipeline, so I'll have to remember to turn that off next time.

[#] Thu May 24 2012 10:03:14 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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I guess a Number Nine card wouldn't have been a winner?

[#] Thu May 24 2012 10:08:17 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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Well, it would function as a wildcard, but a real hand would beat it out.

[#] Mon Sep 24 2012 13:36:48 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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Overheard today:

Q: How many union laborers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The ENTIRE crew! And they all get time and a half for it!

[#] Sat Oct 27 2012 23:07:17 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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Q: what do Hurricane Sandy and and Snooki have in common?

A: they are both headed to the Jersey Shore with plans to blow everyone in a 50 mile radius.


[#] Mon Oct 29 2012 12:32:45 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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Ouch...

[#] Tue Mar 19 2013 23:27:43 EDT from vince-q @ Uncensored

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Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?

 

A: Only 600 women went down on the Titanic.....



[#] Wed Mar 20 2013 09:32:20 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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Oof.

[#] Sat Apr 06 2013 07:57:40 EDT from Ladyhawke @ Uncensored

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The latest spin on "when I was a kid, I had to walk 10 miles to school each way, barefoot, in the snow, with no coat!".


"When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.  And I remember promising myself that when I had my own kids, I certainly wasn't going to lay a bunch of ridiculous exaggerations on my kids like my parents did.

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

14) Car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd"



[#] Tue Apr 09 2013 00:32:49 EDT from ax25 @ Uncensored

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13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores0!

Ladyhawke, as another "over 40", I agree with you on #13.  I feel that this is the greatest loss of being a child now.  My wife and I told my son of "snow day" stories and he recently took them to heart.  He had never experienced a snow day up to this last winter, and when it happened, he took full advantage of it.  I dug out and headed off for work.  My son repeated a phrase to my wife that he must have heard from either us, or a Calvin and Hobbes.  He said "I will be back after the street lights kick on" - or something like that.

Of course she thought he would be back by lunch or something like that.  Well, lunch comes and goes... Frantic searches happen.  Footprints are found in evidence of where he said he would be, but he is nowhere to be found.  It turns out that later we found him (hours later).  He is found sitting at the front porch of a friend, with a new friend.  The new friend has a giant super soaker squirt gun - (not sure what possessed him to bring that out on the day off from school during a snowstorm day off, but I like his thinking).  They say that they had spent most of the morning tromping around trying to find other friends to join in the glorious exploit of the rare occasion.  In seeing that he was well in control (and after checking up on the pedigree of the super soaker toting lad, we send him on his way).  He did make it back before the street lights started to come on (if only barely).  I am afraid I am a part of the too scared to let them be a child people by chasing after him on what would seem to him to be a day of reckless abandon.



[#] Tue Apr 09 2013 00:41:14 EDT from ax25 @ Uncensored

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Sorry, jokes.  Well, uh...  Sorry, I am too p.c. to post one.  I will try later.



[#] Tue Apr 09 2013 11:41:37 EDT from Ladyhawke @ Uncensored

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Times have surely changed....



[#] Thu Apr 11 2013 21:01:37 EDT from vince-q @ Uncensored

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"Times have truly changed."

Yes, they have. And I constantly find myself wondering if that's been for the better - and answering "no" to myself all too frequently.


[#] Fri Apr 12 2013 00:01:55 EDT from ax25 @ Uncensored

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Thu Apr 11 2013 09:01:37 PM EDT from vince-q @ Uncensored

"Times have truly changed."

Yes, they have. And I constantly find myself wondering if that's been for the better - and answering "no" to myself all too frequently.

Not only have times changed, but with the more structured nature of things, it has grown much more lonely.
Don't shun the awkward among us (or worse yet, cap thoughts just because you don't have time to listen - or think that strict politeness should rule).
We have become less thoughtful in our thoughtfulness.

Ha, we did all have a laugh, so it fits in the jokes room (sorry).

 


[#] Sat May 25 2013 22:16:12 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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True. I don't know if it's just an aversion to change that everyone gets when they get older, but today we were talking about how people used to *get together* ... card games, bowling, whatever. There's not as much of that now that we're all online.

[#] Sun May 26 2013 20:32:49 EDT from zooer @ Uncensored

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I'll hang out with you if you really want a friend in real life.

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