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Obama's plan for Shovel-Ready Jobs:
Digging graves for Ebola victims.
put the book down, stormed into the kitchen, and said to his wife, "From
today on I am absolute master here and my word is law. Tonight you will
prepare a gourmet supper for me and then serve an exquisite dessert. Then
we'll go into the bedroom and have sex the way I like it. After that you'll
draw me a bath and you'll wash my back and my hair. When I step out of the
tub, you'll dry me off and then massage my hands and feet. And guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair tomorrow."
The husband has just read a book titled "I am the Master of the Home." He
put the book down, stormed into the kitchen, and said to his wife, "From
today on I am absolute master here and my word is law. Tonight you will
prepare a gourmet supper for me and then serve an exquisite dessert. Then
we'll go into the bedroom and have sex the way I like it. After that you'll
draw me a bath and you'll wash my back and my hair. When I step out of the
tub, you'll dry me off and then massage my hands and feet. And guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair tomorrow."
Wife says, "An employee of the funeral parlor?"
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in San Francisco, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I'ma gonna go picka her up!"
An exhibitionist had booked an a flight from New York to London on British Air. At the departure lounge, the man stood nervously near the boarding gate, waiting for the flight to be called. When the PA announcement was finally made, he walked briskly up the jetway. At the end of the jetway stood a stewardess, collecting tickets. When it was his turn to hand over his ticket, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
With typical British reserve the stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir, but you
must to show your ticket and boarding pass here, not your stub."
The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her Wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday Were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak
very well, But she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started Leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed Her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her Right. A short time later, she started leaning off to Her
left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed Pillows on her left. Soon
she started leaning forward, So the family members again grabbed her, and
then tied a Pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating You?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a Note to the
grandson.......
'Bastards won't let me fart.'
The African chieftain was so religious that when he ascended to power, he forbade the killing of animals.
Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began
feeding on humans. Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives.
The terrified populace petitioned their leader to rescind his edict, but he refused: thus, they had no choice but to
overthrow the chief.
Not only was the revolt successful, It was the first time in history that a reign was called on account of game.
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration will require rearview
cameras in new vehicles. That way people will just have to glance over at a
screen to backup instead of turning all the way around and losing their place
on what they are texting.
One day a five year old girl excitedly approached her mother and announced
that she had learned where babies come from.
The mother was amused and said "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all
about it?"
The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of
their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy
kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the
daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's
mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's where babies
come from."
The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to
eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from.
That's where jewelry comes from."
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped..
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..
I can't wait until next Christmas.
since then but this was at the lower end of the scale as well. We were at a quiet bar, guys were drinking and
doing all sorts of obnoxious stuff to this poor piece of plastic. Thankfully there were no cameras and it was
mostly NC17, stupid drinking guy stuff. Later in the night on of the guys grabbed her, and shoved his
fingers into an orifice... suddenly he had a look of horror and disgust on his face, I think he wanted to cry.
He cried out, "Oh god, why is it wet inside?" Which to those who saw all this was very funny. Earlier in the
evening she was assaulted with beer bottles.
Although he wasn't the birthday boy the look on his face made the purchase price worth it.
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for
Christmas.
"Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought
her a belt and a bag."
"That was very kind of you," Jim added, "I hope she appreciated the
thought."
Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will
work better now."
Mama Vulture had a problem. Her beloved chick was constantly breaking her heart; getting into trouble. He would stray from the nest, fall in with a bad crowd of other avian ne'er-do-wells, and frequently need to be rescued by his mother, sometimes at great risk to herself. Her only pleasure in life was gathering food to nourish him. He was defiant and unappreciative of her efforts, often squawking and demanding, "Hey, you old buzzard! I'm starving! What's for supper?" To which she would dutifully reply...
"Carrion, my wayward son."
Instead of "Carrion..." substitute "Supper's ready!" and you'll have it!
Wrong room for me to continue this, but thanks Vince. I did some citadel drift and re-found Kate Bush and the 2014 BBC documentary. Great fun to watch.